I want to just give a little warning here. This is a post that involves lots of sad stuff. It will also be very long. If you want to read it all the way through and you are a crier, grab a tissue and then remember this... While losing a baby is one of those things that simply doesn't ever make sense and often brings an indescribable hurt, we have joy when we talk about our baby Walker. We know that he is with his heavenly father. He went straight from my body into the presence of God. He never knew pain. He never knew heartache. He never experienced a time out! He only knows perfection. As a parents, we couldn't ask for more!
Walker's story begins in October of 2006. Todd and I were making lots of happy changes in our lives...a new beginning if you will. Part of our plan was just "one more baby"!
This was probably my easiest first trimester ever! I had very mild morning sickness, very little bloating and weight gain (yeah, I gain weight my first trimester)...I just felt great. I had an early ultrasound that looked good and they even moved my due date from July 22 to July 18 (hence the date of this post). This pregnancy was a piece of cake until 12 weeks. After waking up from a nap and cuddling with Finley on the couch I started bleeding...a lot! I called Todd and although the details are a little hazy, somehow I made it to the ER and Todd met me. My bleeding was significant enough to make me think that I was having a miscarriage (I had one previously in December 2001) so what I really wanted when we got to the hospital was an ultrasound and pronto. Instead I had lots of other routine type stuff to go through but a couple of hours later we were finally wheeled in to the ultrasound room. And then we saw our baby, flipping around...looking just perfect except that he was sharing space with a huge subchorionic hemorrhage. Talk about a roller coaster of emotions! I was told to take it easy and follow up with my OB.
A few days later we went to my OB's office for another ultrasound and again saw our baby looking good! The SCH was extremely large and I could tell by the technician's tone that it was rather serious. She told me to make sure I took it easy and my OB said the same thing at my appointment that day (should I mention here that we had just put our house on the market and I had four little boys running around?). They scheduled another scan for about a week and a half later. On January 17th, expecting nothing but good news, I took my little Tucker into the ultrasound room with me. As soon as she started I knew. My once very active little baby was perfectly still and didn't have a heartbeat. I was right at 14 weeks and he had passed very recently. It was so sad and shocking! I can tell you my thoughts went right to my loving God and like
Angie Smith said this in her blog "I think that my Jesus is the same as He was before I walked into this room." as the fatal diagnosis for her baby unfolded, I knew that I would be carried through this heartache and that the rawness of that moment wouldn't last forever.
I held it together until they took Tucker away to play and I had to sit in the exam room waiting for my OB...lots and lots of tears. It took a loooong time for my doctor to come in and he arrived with another OB in the group. Before they could say too much I asked if I could please try and deliver my baby instead of having a d&c. They agreed that I was teetering on the line of it even being an option but that we could try it.
I have to say here that I totally understand that this is not the choice a lot of women make. Nor am I in any position to tell anyone that there is a "right" choice. It's a traumatic enough position to be in and it's really up to you and your medical provider. But I will tell you that as difficult as it was, I don't regret any of what followed!
I don't know if it feels like this for everyone but I remember just aching for my friends and family. Kind of like I carried some responsibility for their mourning. We had announced to the whole world that this baby was coming and now it wasn't. The afternoon we found out we called our pastor and he came over and prayed for us. Then I pretty much holed myself up in my bedroom.
We went to the hospital early the morning of January 19 for a scheduled induction. I'll spare you all of the labor details except these. They started with a cervical tablet (the name escapes me) and I had that for probably 12 hours. Labor was just starting to pick up and then they ran out of that med...there wasn't any in the county nor any within driving distance! Then they used cytotec (which did nothing) until sometime mid-morning the following day. More of the previous drug was delivered and that protocol resumed. Finally, on the evening of January 20 we got to meet our little baby. Yep, 36 hours later! We didn't know if we were having a boy or girl but there wasn't any question once we say him. This was a big concern for me...it has always bothered me that our first miscarried baby doesn't have a name so I wanted it to be obvious. There he was, our Walker William. William was my dad's middle name and I was happy that I finally got to use it! He looked like a perfectly formed 14 week baby. We spent probably a half an hour or so holding him in our hands and taking pictures and then said goodbye. I went home late that night...ahhhh, my own bed!
A local funeral home helps families who've lost babies with arrangements at zero cost. We wanted to bury Walker instead of cremate him and because he was so teeny he got to share the same plot as my dad. I know that lots of people who go through similar experiences want to be surrounded by their family and friends. I just couldn't. All I wanted to do was mourn with Todd and hang out with my beautiful boys.
We were going to have a little service on the 22nd so the day before we took the boys to the funeral home so they could see what Walker looked like. Now, again...not for everyone but we don't regret this either. I forewarned the funeral director that it would be like bulls in a china shop but he was great and very understanding. And now, knowing the squirps, you didn't think we'd escape a blog post without humor did you? Tucker, being Tucker, asked this poor guy how he knew that our baby was a boy and then asked if we could move the blanket so he could see his penis!!! We told him that he'd just have to take our word for it! Oh Tucker!!! He was put in a tiny baby casket that was unnecessarily large but we are so thankful for all that the funeral home did for us. They were a great comfort in that moment!
We had lots of offers from our friends and family to stand with us during the service but what we really wanted was for it to just be Todd and me and our pastor at the graveside. It was just what we needed. We knew that Walker's soul was days before in the presence of our God and that we were simply honoring his precious life and taking care of this tiny body. It was a relief to plant him in the ground and know that we did everything we could have to love on him while he was ours. Peace!
The day that Walker was delivered, January 20, 2007 was also our sweet Finley's first birthday! We kind of think of it as a gift. The day we met Walker was going to be sad...no matter when it happened. But now that sad date shares it's significance for a joyful reason too! We didn't get to see Finley awake on his first birthday so the night we buried Walker we celebrated with a little party, just the six of us. Isn't he adorable? He loved his chocolate cake and presents and we needed his smiles. It should really stop surprising me that God meets my every need!!!
We know God has a purpose for Walker's short life. We also understand that we might not know this side of heaven exactly what that purpose is. What Todd and I do know is that God's peace and comfort flow freely! We feel so blessed to have experienced the creation of seven little babies and to have five of them running around our house...really, we do!
This is Walker's grave marker. Isn't it sweet? It was such a process but it was finally set this Spring!
